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Last Minute Must-Have Christmas Gifts for the Sports Fan in Your Life

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As I was going through my closet the other day, I stumbled upon an autographed picture of Ashley Lelie. I purchased it myself, and it’s arguably the worst return on investment of anything I’ve ever bought, including the ShamWow.  It got me wondering what I would do if someone actually gave it to me as a gift this year. I think I would laugh, cry, and then drink;  in other words the exact series of events that every Bronco fan went through each time Lelie had a pass thrown his way.  If you don’t want the sports fan in your life to be disappointed when they tear open their gifts this Christmas, you might want to grab your wallet and get them something from this list.

Becky Hammon WNBA Fathead:

Nothing would make a sports fan happier than unwrapping a fathead of the WNBA’s 17th leading scorer, and at a scant $99.99, what a steal. If you chip in an extra $17.50, Becky Hammon will actually come to your house and stay until you kick her out.

Braylon Edwards Drop 8X10 Autographed

Apparently it’s much more difficult to find a photo of Braylon Edwards actually catching a ball so people sell what they have. The 8×10 would pair nicely with this Braylon Edwards signed football that he only dropped twice before signing.

Los Angeles Clippers Girls Cheerleading Dress

It’s appalling that they make this, but any parent that dresses their little girl in a Clippers Cheerleading dress is instilling the value of self-deprecation and giving her the double thumbs up to relocate to the San Fernando Valley and embark on a career filled with AVN awards.

Mark Chmura Youth Jersey

Nothing says role model like statutory rape. Give it to your son so he can show off his Packer pride while supporting the unlawful behavior of minors. Better yet, give it to your high school daughter so it makes it easier for Mark to find a willing date.

Ryan Leaf

That’s it, Ryan Leaf wrapped with a bow. Only costs $14.99, but guaranteed to stink up your entire house, not just your bathroom like Uncle Larry.

Jamal Lewis Autographed Jersey

Don’t get caught paying full price of $478.95 when you can get it 20% off for only $383.95! There may be some grass stains on the front; shortly after Jamal signed it, he stumbled for 2 yards and promptly fell down.

Jake Delhomme Autographed Action Shot 16×20

Uh-Oh, Jake Delhomme is throwing on the run across his body… 6/1 odds that the player on the receiving end of this scud missile wasn’t wearing a black jersey. Help 2-win Panther fans celebrate the glory days with this beauty: 45% off and only $179.32!

Michigan Fab-Five Autographed Final Four Hat

If you buy something from an event that didn’t happen, does what you get really exist? According to the NCAA Michigan wasn’t in the ’92 Final Four, but this hat was! So buy it for a Michigan grad of the 90’s that went to countless basketball games that weren’t really played.

Weird University of Texas Statues

If you have time, and even if you don’t, you are going to want to go through all 40 pages of this thread just to see the pictures. Any Texas fan would love to see “Scared Colt,” “Racist Vince Young,” “Weird f’n Golfer Guy,” and all the rest under their tree. Or, you can customize your own for $795!

Sammy Sosa Corked Bat

Although this one was recently sold by teammate Mike Remlinger, I’m sure there are many more out there. Steroids and weird color changing skin cream weren’t enough for ol’ Slammin Sammy who, according to reports, corked bats with Albert Belle-like frequency. Get the Cubs fan in your life one of these and they will be able to get the bat around a little quicker if they ever get the chance to meet Steve Bartman.

Ron Artest “My World” Rap CD

Not only do you get 21 [Explicit] tracks, but you also get a DVD that reportedly “takes you into Ron’s world.” At $12.57, you can’t afford not to pick up a copy of this treasure; especially wiith lyrics like this: “I admit I used to smoke right before games to east the pain in the brain was insane: Halftime hit the liquor store for a half pint my dude got half his life took with a black knife.[Ron Artest – Haterz]”

Rudy Ruettiger Autographed Notre Dame Helmet
So what if Joe Montana said he was the laughingstock of the 75 Fighting Irish, for the low, low price of $499.99 you could buy an autographed Rudy helmet and instantly become the laughingstock of your friends! Or, you could pay $399.99 and get an autographed helmet from one of the best football player of all-time, Jim Brown.

Manute Bol Boxing Gloves

These are one of the rarest items on the list, but if you truly love your sports fan you’ll find a way to get your hands on the gloves that Manute Bol wore when defeated William “The Refrigerator” Perry in 2002. Since Manute’s passing, game worn merchandise from the Sudanese Sensation has been going for tens of dollars, so you had better hit the couch cushions to afford these puppies.

Chris Sabo Goggles

This is the perfect gift for the visually impaired sports fan in your life. In the days of contact lenses, Chris Sabo marched to the beat of his own drummer. He scoffed at looking like a normal human being, deciding instead to pay homage to his idol, famed racquetball player Marty Hogan. Who can forget in ’96 when Sabo’s bat exploded and superballs came flying out? A dangerous situation to everyone on the field, everyone but Chris that is…his eyes were safe and sound behind a thick shield of polycarbonate.

John Rocker Autographed Baseball

Even the most racist, homophobic, sexist, ethnocentric person in your life deserves a present on Christmas. This John Rocker baseball will certainly make their eyes light up with delight. Instead of wrapping paper, just place it in an: I “heart” New York T-shirt for 2 great gifts in one. You had better act quickly though, there are less than 5 remaining, and at $61.20 they are sure to sell out.

Tommy Gunn – Rocky Balboa – Autographed Rocky V 16X20

This photo is the perfect memento from one of the worst sports movies of all-time. It summarizes the movie nicely. As many half-naked men as the volleyball scene in Top Gun and at no time are you ever really sure what monstrosity is going to happen next. The dialogue says a fight is coming, but the visuals say it will turn into a break-dancing extravaganza. Instead of buying someone the DVD, get this photo and punch them in the face, they will feel the same either way and save time in the process.

Lawrence Taylor Women’s Jersey

Nothing says: “I have no self-esteem” like someone in a Lawrence Taylor “Women’s Premier” Jersey. Not only is currently awaiting trial for statutory rape of a minor and soliciting prostitution, but he is on record as saying that he used to send women to the hotel rooms of opposing players to “tire them out.” This would make a great gift for the woman in your office who runs her mouth about fantasy football but sets her lineup based on which name she likes best.

JaMarcus Russell Personalized Autographed 8×10

Think about the conversation in the shop where Tony parted with his prized possession.

Tony: “Ummm, I’d like to, uhh, sell this autographed picture of JaMarcus Russell.”

Shop Owner: “#1 Fan eh? How’s that working out for ya?… Hey, wait, I know you!”

Shop Owner (motioning to his buddies): “Hey guys! come over here, look who it is, and look at what he has…(bursting into laughter).

Tony: “Uhh, I’ll take $20 for it… (backing towards the door)”

Shop Owner: “I’ll give you $20 if you sign it too, JaMarcus Russell AND Tony Mandarich on the same piece…wow that would be a hot item!”

Tony (tearing up, and opening the door): Just (*sniffle*), just (*sob*), keep it

Muhammad Ali Signed Headgear

All jokes aside, if I found the jackass that decided having Muhammad Ali, given his current condition, sign a piece of headgear was a good idea, I would punch them in the face myself. They probably want Josh Hamilton to sign a can of Schlitz or Shawn Kemp to sign a box of Trojans. Bottom line, some people just need to get elbowed in the liver.

Philadelphia Eagles Dog Jersey

Michael Vick may have paid his debt to society, but now the Eagles are trying to pay off some of their own debts and rub it in your dog’s face all at the same time. For $29.99 you can mock your dog this Christmas by dressing them up in a Michael Vick jersey. Be sure to measure your dog’s girth to ensure a proper fit. Once you put the jersey on the dog, you might also want to sleep with one eye open, as your dog won’t take being mocked too kindly.


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