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Who’s To Blame For All of the Pro Wrestling Deaths? Only One Man…

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With the untimely and mysterious death of the Macho Man Randy Savage, the death toll for professional wrestlers continues it’s steady and meteoric rise. At first glance, most people mistakenly assume that anabolic steroids, illegal narcotics, and chromosomal imbalances are to blame for the actions and deaths of so many past-their-prime wrestling superstars… ok even I feel a little silly calling a guy named “Mike Awesome” a superstar, so I’ll just go with wrestling trainwrecks instead. So if steroids, obesity, drugs, and psychosis (the condition, not the Mexican wrestler, who according to my sources (read: Wikipedia) is still alive at the time of this writing) aren’t to blame, what is? To be honest, in my mind, this is the work of only one man… The Brooklyn Brawler.

The Brooklyn Brawler burst onto the wrestling scene in 1989 with big dreams that were only eclipsed in size by his man-boobs.  The Brawler was on his way to the top, or so he thought. Vince McMahon had other ideas though. Instead of the next big thing, he had the Brawler pegged to be a punching bag for the other wrestlers. The Brawler was devastated by this news, confronting McMahon, which thankfully was recorded onto audio. Much of it is inaudible, but can be gleamed is a big clue as to why professional wrestlers are dying faster than Mel Gibson’s liver. Here is a rough transcription of the tape:

Brooklyn Brawler: (inaudible) *eating*

Vince McMahon: “YOU’RRRRRREEE FIRRRRRRRREDDDD!!!!”

Brooklyn Brawler: *Squeezing the last of his Gogurt into his mouth*

Vince McMahon: “YOU’RRRRRREEE FIRRRRRRRREDDDD!!!!”

Brooklyn Brawler: *attempting to bite McMahon’s forearm*

Vince McMahon: “YOU’RRRRRREEE FIRRRRRRRREDDDD!!!!”

Brooklyn Brawler: “ghrawheandda kill people eahradeannnndnd,  pass the Crisco”

Vince McMahon: “YOU’RRRRRREEE FIRRRRRRRREDDDD!!!!”

Not soon after, the death toll started rising. Here is a quick rundown of some of the heavy hitters possibly taken out by the disgruntled Brawler.

Andre the Giant: 1993, Age at death: 46:

Andre died in his sleep in Paris due to alleged congestive heart failure. Either that or he was smothered by the Brawler… you decide.

Texas Tornado: 1993, Age at death: 33:

The Texas Tornado had a history of drug abuse, but ultimately did himself in by shooting himself with a Magnum revolver as he drove his car off a cliff. It’s well known that the Brooklyn Brawler’s favorite movie is Thelma & Louise, and the going over the cliff to avoid legal trouble similarity is too much to dismiss.

The sleeping Brawler laid dormant for a few years, still thinking that his big break was coming… when he was certain that it wasn’t, he picked up the pace:

Junkyard Dog: 1998, Age at death: 38:

The Dog was taken out in a car accident where he allegedly fell asleep at the wheel. Not surprisingly a tattered sweatshirt with a tag “Return to BB” was found near the scene.

Ravishing Rick Rude: 1999, Age at death: 41:

In the first of his true injection based slayings, Rick Rude died because of heart failure caused by an overdose of mixed medications. The Brawler knew he had the perfect alibi and would be a calling card for later deaths.

Yokozuna: 2000, Age at death: 34:

Cause of death? Fluid in the lungs. How did fluid get in his lungs? Yokozuna’s dream was to become a surfer… Who else had rented surfing equipment in England on the day Yokozuna gave his last banzai drop? None other than the Brawler himself.

British Bulldog: 2002, Age at death: 39:

The Brawler took the easy way out in this one with another drug related heart attack. In what may have been his most cruel work yet, he also stole the man’s dog.

Mr. Perfect: 2003, Age at death: 44:

Died by acute cocaine, steroid, and painkiller intoxication. The Brawler seems to not enjoy his work at this point as he is relying on less creative means to get his point across.

Big Boss Man: 2004, Age at death: 42:

A third drug related heart attack in a row. This one was personal though. The Brawler had yet to get over the humiliation and embarrassment of being handcuffed to the ring after he was soundly defeated by the Boss Man.

Bam Bam Bigelow: 2007, Age at death: 45:

The Brooklyn Brawler is just plain bored at this point. Another drug related death caused by cocaine, anti-anxiety and other drugs. Another personal revenge killing; it took the Brawler 4 years to full recover from the diving headbutt that he took from Bigelow in 1995.

Macho Man Randy Savage: 2011, Age at death: 58:

After a 4 year hiatus, the Brawler returns to the scene to claim his most famous victim. His arch-nemesis (in his own mind) the Macho Man. It will remain to be seen if the Brawler is a suspect in this one. His hatred of Slim Jims is legendary, so you’d think that would catapult him onto the most wanted list.

Aside from these 10, over 100 professional wrestlers in the past 25 years have died before the age of 60. How many can be attributed to the vengeful Brooklyn Brawler? Only he knows, but if I were Hulk Hogan or the Ultimate Warrior I would have someone test all my food only travel by PopeMobile just to be safe. It’s not a matter of if the Brawler is coming, but when…

Discussion

2 Responses to “Who’s To Blame For All of the Pro Wrestling Deaths? Only One Man…”

  1. BRAW-LER! BRAW-LER! BRAW-LER! BRAW-LER!

    Posted by Bobby Digital | May 27, 2011, 12:20 pm
  2. No idea what the heck this is about. Still, it’s well written. and if Bobby Digital likes it, it’s enough for me!

    Posted by Pops | May 29, 2011, 11:19 am

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